Worrying When You're a Mom

Last week I went to the bus stop to pick up my son, and he got in the car (without a coat on). After trying to convince him it was cold out and he should be wearing a coat, I tried asking him how his day was. I received the usual response, which is usually something as descriptive as "OK" or "Fine."  Some days I am told "Leave me alone." or "Stop asking me all these questions."

My son has had some trouble recently, which he won't really discuss with me. I found out from another parent that he was being teased on the bus, which is apparently how all of the older children treat the younger ones. Apparently he had the audacity to try and sit near the back, which is only a privilege for the older kids that have been deemed "cool." Yes, I went to school once. Yes, I know a lot of older, "cool" kids sit in the back. Yet, I do not think that just because my son wanted to sit in the back one day that he should be continuously teased and told he isn't allowed to sit with anyone (apparently he tried to sit with another child after this and no one would sit him). This is unacceptable to me, and not just because he is my son. I went through some pretty intense bullying as a child, and I never want to hear that my children are experiencing the same type of bullying or teasing. I was almost ready to pull him off the bus, because I think it is ridiculous for that type of behavior to continue and I don't want him upset over it either.


He has started sitting with another boy around his age, and things have seemed OK. I still wanted to check, because I worry, as parents usually do. This is how the conversation unfolded:

Me: "How was the bus ride?"
Son: "Fine."
Me" "Was anyone bothering you on the bus today?"
Son: "No."
Me: "You can tell me if someone was bothering you."
Son: "I said it was fine! Why do you keep asking me all these questions?"
Me: "Honey, I am just worried about you and want to make sure no one is bothering you or teasing you."
Son: "Well, the only thing actually bothering me right now is YOU, and all your questions."

OK, point taken on that one. I decided to drop the conversation after that.

Yet, all I can do is worry about him and the effect this has on him. My son is unique and special, he has several behavioral/emotional issues that I will discuss more in the future.  He can be incredibly sweet, but also incredibly sad and even very angry, which usually results in destruction and violence. He uses up all of his strength just to make it through each day at school. He tries to please people, which is actually kind of manipulative (he lies often). Yet, he still tries to do his best in school, as much as he can. He really holds himself together, which has amazed me this year. So, once he comes home, he is finally able to really be himself and kind of let loose all those tensions and things that bothered him that day. This usually results in a very chaotic house after he comes home, but I know he is trying so hard to "keep it together" all day.

He is not open about what happens at school, but I can see the way he acts at home and know when something happened that bothered him. I know I will not let my son have to deal with bullying every day, and if it results in me removing him from the bus, then that is what I have to do.

Have you ever dealt with your child being bullied? Did your child talk to you about it? What did you do (call the school, call the parents, remove your child from the situation, talk to your child about bullying and standing up for himself or herself)?

Things You Thought You Knew About OCD

Living with OCD is very different than knowing someone who has it or even living with someone who has it. While it is true that OCD has an effect on everyone around the person with it, there are things that people generally assume about OCD are wrong.

People with OCD know the thoughts they have are crazy. I find that a lot of people simply assume that someone with OCD must be completely out of it, and have no clue how ludicrous his or her behavior is. This is not true. People with OCD usually do know the thoughts they have are crazy; they are simply powerless to stop it. They know that washing their hands for twenty minutes is not going to make them any cleaner, but they cannot escape the thought that maybe they missed a spot or that maybe they didn't clean their hands good enough. They know that circling the parking lot fifteen times to make sure they didn't hit someone is silly, but they simply cannot stop thinking "what if?" They know switching the lights on and off several hundred times per day is nuts, but they simply cannot stop doing it because they feel that something bad may happen if they do not do it.

You probably don't have OCD. I hear the term OCD thrown around very loosely. It is common to hear someone say, "I am so OCD," or something along those lines all the time. It is actually a bit unfair to assume you know what OCD is like, because you have no idea what it is like to really live with OCD. Even thought the OCD Foundation estimates that one in 100 adults have OCD, you probably do not have it. So, you like your socks lined up just right in the drawers? You get mad if the laundry isn't separated correctly? You only eat Rice Krispies everyday, because that is what you like? When someone leaves a dirty towel on the floor, you go nuts? You sometimes worry that you left the stove on at home? These thing are normal, they do not mean you have OCD. Some people like things a certain way, and some people like things neat and orderly. That does not mean you have OCD. Now, if you are sitting at your desk at work and cannot stop thinking about whether those socks are in the drawer right, then it may be different. If the thought of not having Rice Krispies makes you want to hyperventilate and pass out, then it may be more than just a preference. If you are so worried about the stove that you leave the store just to go home and check (and then you check it again), then it may be more than just worrying. If you see something when you are out that looks like it may be blood and you become so overwhelmed that you run home to change your clothes and take a shower, because you may have touched the substance, then it may be more than a simple worry. This is not to say that you shouldn't get help if you think you have OCD. I think a lot of people go undiagnosed, so it is important to find a reputable counselor, therapist, or psychiatrist if you are having overly anxious thoughts and obsessions.

It is not all about cleanliness. I find that many people simply assume if you have OCD then you must wash your hands a million times a day, and you probably sanitize everything in your home so much that it resembles the inside of an operating room. There are actually many different types of OCD, and it can show different symptoms in each person. Some people are focused on cleanliness and do keep everything completely clean. Others are focused on contamination, and they may feel that the outside world (or even themselves) is contaminated. You may be surprised to find that some people with OCD do not live in a completely clean home, and there may be toys all over the house or piles of laundry on the floor. Some people are checkers, and they will constantly check things. This can range from the stove being on to circling the parking lot to make sure they didn't hit someone or something. Some people are more obsessive than compulsive, and they may not have any outward symptoms you can notice. Some people are obsessed with food, and may have difficulty eating certain things or eating at all. Some are obsessed with body image and others their hair. Hair pulling is actually common with people who have Trichotillomania, which can be a form of OCD. Some people obsess over death, religion or even have sexual thoughts.

They really can't just get over it.  I have heard this before, "Just stop thinking that way." Well, it really is not that simple. There is no way to just stop thinking that way. The worry takes over the person's mind, and the only way that person can "get over it" is by acing out compulsions. It is a never-ending cycle, that revolves around each next obsession.

References:

How many people have OCD?. (n.d.). Retrieved from http://www.ocfoundation.org/prevalence.aspx

Phillipson, S., & Gibson, C. (n.d.). Trichotillomania. Retrieved from http://www.ocdonline.com/articlephillipson8.php

When the Worry Takes Over

I think it is natural for some people to worry over things, such as making it to work on time or if your child will have a good day at school. Some people who are facing daily struggles or health issues have even bigger worries, not knowing how long they or a loved one may live.

As a sufferer of OCD and anxiety, I can say that I have faced too many times when the worry seems to take over my entire life. When a person with OCD becomes worried, that worry usually turns into an obsession. It is like a thick cloud of fog begins to cloud that person's mind, and all that person can think about is the specific thing he or she is worrying over. This usually results (but not always) in the person performing compulsive acts to rid themselves of the unwanted thoughts. Some people with OCD worry that they may hit someone with their car, others worry about death or contamination.

I have come a long way in my battle with OCD, and I have stayed on top of my worry for quite some time. However, just today, I found myself battling the worry once again. I helped my son put on his coat and backpack, then walked him to the door (his dad was going to drive him to the bus stop). As he walked out the door I said, "I love you. Have a good day at school." He stopped and turned, and replied, "I love you with all my heart." Moments like this are so rare for me, because my son has his own mental health issues and often does not express love. I cherish these moments. Yet, as he walked away all I could feel was a deep feeling of worry brewing inside of me. What if something happened to him? What if I never heard those sweet words again? What if that was the last thing I will ever hear my son say?

Worry persists in my mind, engulfing my entire thought process until my mind can only focus on that particular worry. While it is normal to have brief moments of feeling worried, my anxiety turns obsessive and begins to control me. I had to walk back in the house, take a deep breath, and re-channel my energy onto something else. I hope I will always remember the smile on my son's face and the sound of his young voice when he spoke those words to me. However, I do not want those sweet memories being overshadowed with my obsession and constant anxiety.

In life, things happen, both good and bad. People are dealt unimaginable blows when they face tragedies and illnesses. As a constant worrier, I know that you cannot let these thoughts consume your life--always waiting for the other shoe to drop. You miss out on too much when the worry takes over, and you miss out on the simple, special things that happen in everyday life. You may not pursue goals or you may give up on new projects, because you always worry that you will fail. You may never try anything new or avoid going on a trip, because you worry over what terrible thing may happen.

I have been there, and the worry still lives within me, and makes itself known every once and a while. However, I am trying to overcome it every day. I can no longer let these feelings of worry take over my life. I have come to far. I put my faith in God, myself, and my family that I can make it through each day, and fully experience my life--without living in a constant state of panic and anxiety. Living like that is not really living at all.